Friendship? What is it?

The definition of friend certainly does change over time; at least it did for me. When I was young, I used to seek out friends who needed me. I had an insatiable need to please no matter how large the self sacrifice. The more I gave, the more I belonged to someone. But the truth is, the more I gave the less I had to give.

Over the years, I built my reputation on being strong, outspoken, and yes, giving. But what I learned after many draining years is that I don’t have to give my soul to feel good about myself anymore. I have accepted that what I am is good enough and what I have to give is proportional to what I need.

So, what does this all really mean…it means that I am finally comfortable choosing friends who give more than they take from me. Today proved to be a great example. I have been acquaintances with one of my Bat Mitzvah group members for almost two years. We’ve never spoken on the telephone, we’ve never sat down to eat a meal together, and I have never shared any significant life experiences with her that would develop our bond into a friendship. Yes, we did study together every Wednesday night for 18 months, but we were focused on the class and its meaning which left little time for us to be really anything more than acquaintances.

I always valued our time together. Melissa seemed like a genuinely kind and caring person who would be a good friend to anyone. She is smart and funny, loves her children and supports the causes that are important to her heart. I felt good around her whenever we were together.

I have seen Melissa a few times since our June Bat Mitzvah, but only for a few minutes here and there. But today, she showed me what true friendship is. Thursday of this week, I blogged about “Larry’s Ride,” a charity event that raises awareness for bicycle safety and honors my fallen cousin Larry Bensky. Unbeknownst to me, Melissa read my blog and came out today to show her support, she rode 42 miles, stopped at the sight of Larry’s accident which was marked by a bright orange pumpkin and hundreds of stones left by all the bikers today, and paused to say the Mourner’s Kaddish for my dear cousin and friend.

When I saw Melissa and learned of this kindness, I felt the meaning of true friendship. It was an unselfish display of affection for me, for my family and for the cause. Why did she do it? It doesn’t really matter why…what’s important is that her altruism and thoughtfulness showed me for the first time in a long time what true friendship should be. Thanks Melissa….for giving so unassumingly and unconditionally. It means a great deal to me.