In the beginning months of our first year of separation, things between my husband and I were pretty amicable. The children were so
young that we did what we and the child therapist felt was in their best
interest. And despite his ongoing resentment and targeted rage towards
me, my husband never acted spiteful or angry towards me in front of the
children. We continued to do things together for the first couple of
years. We sat next to each other at school events and sports activities.
We celebrated their birthdays together and collaborated on gifts. The kids went to bed at night and
woke up in their own beds every day except every other weekend when they
stayed with their Dad. They saw a therapist once every two weeks for a
few months until she told us that she no longer needed to see them on a
regular basis because they were coping with the situation well.
Things were relatively uncomplicated in the year of separation leading up to the divorce. I think mostly because my husband was really enjoying his freedom. He was never shy to pay for everything we needed in those days. The kids and I never really wanted for anything. I stayed in the family home with the kids, so they never felt uprooted by the failing marriage.
About 10 months into the separation, my husband I decided to get a Jewish divorce, the Ghett. We met at an Orthodox synagogue in the heart of Baltimore City. It was a relatively quick ceremony surrounded by four ultra-orthodox rabbis with black hats. I felt slightly uncomfortable not only because I was spiritually divorcing my beshert, but because the small nameless room was cold and lifeless being officiated by strangers who had no empathy or compassion for the situation. I seemed to be the most insignificant of the participants in the room. The rabbis wrote on a few scrolls while they instructed my husband on what to say and do. "Turn and face your wife. Tell her she is no longer bonded to you by G-d and she is free to find another." He did and it was done. I think we both left that tiny room feeling something permanent had happened. Half my soul was missing. I belonged to nobody. A part of me was missing, and I felt the weight of it. Alone again at 42.
As the first year passed and we got closer to signing the legal divorce papers, my husband continued to be very generous and flexible as well as communicative. I reciprocated by doing all that I could to make him feel necessary and loved by his children. In hindsight, I wouldn't do too many things differently. I hired the most compassionate, savvy, reasonable lawyer who made all the difference in the world during this time. I can't tell you how important it is to have the right attorney for your situation. She was very right for me. She knew my husband. Knew that I loved him. Knew I didn't want to disrespect him during this process. And yet, she protected me and guided me to make some very good decisions.
After 12 months of separation, we sat down at a very sterile table to walk through the settlement agreement so that our lawyers could get us a divorce. I was very emotional that morning. My husband asked both lawyers to leave the room, so that he could talk to me privately. Through my tears, I asked him if he was sure he wanted to do this. He paused and then without hesitation, he said, "I knew this was right for me the first time that I dreamed you were dead, and I woke up relieved." My brain literally shifted gears from park to drive in that moment, and I was ready. Ready to sign the papers. Ready to move forward in my life. The attorneys returned to the table and the settlement was done in 15 minutes. He was free...and so was I.
Checklist of Divorce Do's:
* Put your kids needs and feelings FIRST.
* Never talk badly about your ex in front of your children...ever
* Stay in your family home for a few years after the divorce...if you can
* Try to communicate with your ex so that he still feels involved in his children's lives
* Show your children in your words and your actions that you respect their father (even if you don't, when they are older they will figure out things for themselves.)
* Hire the right attorney for your situation
* Get everything in writing. Our agreement is our map to divorce. It's simplifies everything.
* Surround yourself with positivity and purpose.
* #1-Forgive. Forgive everything. Your partner's weaknesses. Yourself. The stupid comments about how life is going to be great. Just forgive everything and reset your heart.
